Sometimes it is OK to Say No

Do you remember when you were a kid and you had that relative or friend of the family that your parents made you give a hug to?  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one who wreaked of perfume or cigars and would squeeze your cheeks.  Sometimes they'd ask you to pull their finger or make them their favorite cocktail.  I had several of these relatives that weren't my favorite, and no matter how prepared I thought I was for these interactions, there were times when nothing could have prepared me for what was about to come.  The story I'm about to share with you is absolutely mortifying, and I swear there is a point to it. 

One year my family decided to have Easter dinner out at a restaurant.  I don't remember what age I was exactly because I've tried to erase most of this day from my memory.  But I do remember that I was at that awkward stage where clothes fit differently and suddenly you have bumps and curves that you swear everyone can see.  When you're a girl who hates dresses, the idea of being in one for Easter is bad enough.  Being in one when you feel awkward about your body is even worse.  So when my father's aunt held me at an arm's length in the middle of a crowded restaurant after the obligatory kisses and hugs and announced loudly, "Oh my gosh, you're getting little bazooms!" you can imagine the horror that went through me.  In my mind everything stopped and panic set in as I waited for the reaction of strangers around me. 

Humiliation aside, almost every dog goes through a similar experience in their lifetime.  Anyone who walks a dog outside knows exactly what I'm talking about.  The moment where someone wants to greet your dog.  There are many people that have dogs who thrive on this attention.  But there are some dogs that have problems greeting others.  Maybe they lack manners and they jump on someone who is in their vicinity.  Maybe they do well once someone ignores them long enough, and settle down to give a sweet greeting.  And maybe the idea of someone staring at them and touching them freaks them out.  Think about something that makes you uncomfortable when you meet someone.  Maybe they stare at you too intently, or perhaps they step into your space too much or are too touchy-feely.  Not only do you have things that make you uncomfortable, your dogs do, too.  And while you have the ability to make excuses and leave a situation, most likely your dog doesn't.  If your dog is uncomfortable, or if a situation presents itself that you know will make your dog upset or uncomfortable, say no.  It really is OK! 

But surely everyone who asks to greet a dog should be able to, right?  Nope. 

I used to be the sort of dog owner who cared about what other people thought of me.  I was worried about the interactions that Abby had with people and how people would perceive us.  I worried that if Abby jumped and barked seeing another dog in the neighborhood that it was a reflection of me and my training.  I was worried that if Abby seemed fearful of children in the neighborhood that people would worry about her being in the neighborhood.  And I worried that if Abby didn't say hi to someone that wanted to say hi to her that it would leave them disappointed.  And inevitably I thought about these interactions and I realized that the opinions of others after these interactions didn't matter to me.  The only thing that mattered is whether or not Abby trusted me to keep her safe. 

Abby may not be able to turn to me and say in my language, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable in this situation," or "This person makes me nervous."  But with time I've come to know the things that make her nervous (children, things with wheels, more than one person wanting to greet her, more than one dog, etc.).  These are scenarios that will in most instances not be successful, and by successful I mean interactions where my dog seems relaxed and is soft in her posturing.  If I can avoid these scenarios I do.  Either we change our route or I try to give Abby enough space where she can tolerate those things.  But sometimes things happen and you're suddenly confronted by things out of your control. 

Last month I was out for a nice walk after work with Abby.  My husband was going to be a bit late getting home, and I decided to enjoy the first bit of nice weather with a longer walk.  The after work hour can sometimes be challenging as people let their dogs out, but often times those people are letting their dogs out on quick walks and so the trails in our development are virtually empty.  We went through one trail that opened out onto a side street, and we began to walk back.  I could see a child that appeared to be about 4-5 years old, and she was out with her mother playing on their lawn.  As soon as she saw me and Abby she screamed "Puppy!  Puppy!  Puppy!"  And with that she took off at a full run towards us as the mother yelled after her to stop.  Now there are a few things I know about my dog.  She's petrified of children, and she's petrified of people of any age running *at* her.  When you combine both of these things it was not going to be a successful interaction.  I instinctively turned with Abby and started to walk away.  The mother caught up to her daughter, picked her up, and apologized.  She then asked if her daughter could greet Abby, to which I said no. 

Did I feel guilty?  Did I feel like I let this child down?  Nope.  Not even the slightest.  Chances are that at some point there will be a dog she'll get to pet and that dog will be fine with her enthusiasm.  But if I had tried to let this exuberant child greet Abby and Abby was uncomfortable, would I have felt guilty?  Absolutely.  Because not only is it unfair to put Abby in this position, each interaction I force her to have further diminishes the faith that she has in me to take care of these situations that make her uncomfortable.  By taking charge of who she greets, I take away the anxiety over what is going to happen when she sees people or dogs coming towards her.  When I take that pressure off of her, her ability to handle escalating situations is greatly improved because she's not already amped up at the idea of whether she'll have to hi to someone.  She can simply trust that I'm going to take care of whatever is coming towards us. 

And for those wondering, the mother was not upset when I wouldn't let her daughter greet Abby and completely understood my reasons for making that choice. 

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Most recently I've realized that Abby has grown into a fear of children.  I'm not sure that I can pick a point where it changed because I don't know that there is one.  Rather it was a slow evolution based on her lack of opportunity to meet kids and be around them.  My husband and I don't have children, and the majority of our nieces and nephews are older.  The few kids in our neighborhood often were not out during the hours we took Abby on our walks, and on the few opportunities where they were it did not go well.

The first time Abby saw a child was when we were walking down our street, and she saw two young kids on Hot Wheels.  Have you ever tried to walk a dog past something on wheels, particularly a reactive puppy?  If not, let me tell you what goes down.  There is a moment where your dog will stop and assess the collateral damage.  Rather quickly she will decide that she wants no part of the situation whatsoever, and as if she is suddenly Spiderman, she will try to repel herself away and swing from her imaginary webs to safety.  This ends up displaying as her tucking her tail between her legs, straightening all four legs, and trying to pull herself out of her harness as she backs away quickly.  As a new dog owner I had no idea this would be her reaction or else I would have turned before she had the opportunity to see the kids on Hot Wheels.  Instead at the same moment Abby saw the kids, they saw her and wanted to play with her.  The only problem was that they didn't abandon the Hot Wheels.  Instead they lead a pursuit after Abby as she tried to run away to safety.  Now there were little people on wheels giving chase all culminating into a recipe for disaster.

On a separate occasion we were walking down the same street a month later when suddenly four kids carrying swords came running out of their house.  And just as suddenly as I saw them came the cries of, "Doggie!" and "Puppy!" and they came running towards us.  Abby freaked out.  Now there were four of them, and they were brandishing weapons!  Abby was petrified; you could just see it on her face and posturing.  One of the kids was older and had a developmental disability and asked if he could pet her.  I told him that she was very nervous right now and said it wasn't a good idea.  One of the youngest kids, Kevin, did not hear me and came running over.  Abby had her tail between her legs, which I noticed in particular because Kevin said that with her tail like that it looked like a turd.  Yes, clearly NOT my target audience for teaching Abby to be tolerant of children.  It was with that I took her back to the house.

There have been times where Abby does OK with kids.  After a particularly harrowing Christmas Eve where Abby was followed around by our youngest niece who just wanted to befriend her in the worst way, Abby showed considerable interest in our friends' children one Sunday at football.  The youngest of the boys was about the same size as our niece, but considerably calmer.  He went to play video games, and the other sat down to watch the game.  In Abby's estimation they had ignored her, so now they were interesting.  She actually approached them and wanted attention from them, which was really cool.  However, that would remain one of Abby's last positive interactions in the coming months.

This week Abby has had a particularly great week with kids.  The other day I took her for a walk and she bumped into her buddy, Dexter.  Dexter is a Portuguese Water Dog/Australian Shepherd mix who is insanely sweet and so darn goofy.  He loves other dogs, and he cries if he can't see them.  Abby was really interested in Dexter, and nearby was a younger girl from the neighborhood who seems to be really good with dogs.  Caitlin and Dexter were playing with a ball, and Abby didn't immediately growl and run away from Caitlin.  It is really hard to find kids that are patient with reactive and scared dogs, and who don't run around.  But Caitlin instantly got that Abby was a bit nervous and she made an effort to make sure Abby didn't feel scared around her.  Instantly I loved this girl and have decided that whenever she has time for Abby I will make sure Abby has time to say hi to her.  Abby was still very tentative at first, but inevitably when Caitlin tried to give a ball to her Abby did at least target the ball.  Finally some forward progress!  Abby stayed to play with Dexter and Caitlin for about ten minutes before I brought her home to eat dinner.

But Abby's true test came today after a long walk through the condo where we checked out every bird and squirrel flying and hopping through the place.  There is a new dog in the condo, Charlie Brown, and Abby has been very tentative in her interactions with Charlie.  I know the reason for this is because Charlie has typically been on a leash held by Kevin, the same boy who has scared her over the summer.  Abby typically welcomes any opportunity to play with a new dog, particularly puppies.  I don't know if she feels a need to show them the ropes, but she definitely is a bit of a welcome wagon to dogs that are a bit shy or socially awkward.  The first time we saw Charlie Brown I could see that she was excited to see a new dog... and then she saw Kevin holding the leash.  All excitement was gone, and she really just wanted to get away from the situation as fast as she could.  The few encounters we've had with Charlie have typically been with Kevin and his dad, and all have ended with her wanting to flee.

At the end of our walk today we saw Dexter playing with Charlie Brown, and Kevin and his dad were close by.  Abby stopped near them and watched them playing.  I stopped with her just to see what she was going to do.  I didn't want to take her away from the situation because I didn't want her to be fearful or think that she can't play, but I also didn't want to force it on her.  So Abby watched for a solid 3 minutes before she started to sniff the ground near her.  About a minute after that she took a tentative step towards them, so I did also.  Then she began walking towards them.  Now her tail was down upon approach, but in under a minute her tail was wagging and she was enjoying playing with the other dogs.

Then she noticed Kevin.  In fairness to Kevin, having Charlie has definitely helped him mellow out.  In the past he would have come running towards a dog full speed, but now he is much more calm around dogs.  You can tell his dad, Ken, has worked with him to understand that not every dog enjoys being greeted this way, and Ken has been very patient with understanding Abby's unique needs.  So today Abby was a little bit hesitant, but she did go up to Kevin and touch his hand lightly with her nose. I cannot begin to tell you how proud I was of her!  One of the biggest things we've worked on with Abby and her stranger anxiety is the ability to "go say hi," where I can ask if she would like to say hi, and she will touch the stranger's hand and come back to me for her reward.  There have been times she hasn't wanted to, and today I was so proud of her for wanting to try and for feeling as if she could.

There are days like today where you reflect back upon where you were, and how far you've come with your dog.  Honestly, I could not have possibly dreamed that at some point I would have a dog who is just slightly less reactive and wanting to approach children.  I feel so proud of her progress, and her ability to trust me as her touch stone to come back to in these situations.  My girl works very hard.  And her progress, while sometimes maddeningly slow, is forever moving.  The ability to look at where she is today versus nearly a year ago is truly awesome.